The Worst Team In The World

There is nothing a sports fan likes more than a good debate. Would George Best have been better than Maradona if drink hadn't laid him low? Was Maradona better than Pele? Is Ferguson or Wenger the better manager?

Generally in these drunken pub discussion the question of the best team in the world comes up. FIFA would have you believe it's AC Milan, having won the World Club Cup. UEFA claim the same as AC Milan are the current Champions League winners. Fans of Juventus can rightly claim that they have the most members of the reigning World Cup holders on the squad. Manchester United would tell you they won the most competitive league in the world in the Prem. The LA Galaxy have David Beckham. ... Well, THEY think that's a claim to fame, anyway.

So this debate will rage eternally on, and many pints will die in its wake.

But there is one great question that we can now, definitively, put to rest:

Who the worst national team in the world is.

FIFA would have you believe it's the tiny island nation of Montserrat. With a population of 5900, and boasting such star players as Tesfaye Bramble (Titus' younger, less talented brother - and yes, apparently it is possible to be a Bramble worse than Titus - whodathunkit?) and Sean Howson, midfielder for Hurstpierpoint FC (currently sitting dead last in the Sussex County Football League Division 3), you could be forgiven for thinking that Montserrat, do, in fact, suck hardest.

Sean Howson with Hurstpierpoint FC

...but oh no, you'd be wrong.

Then you might remember the NF Board, the FIFA for non-FIFA nations (and sometimes even non-FIFA non-nations), and go to that august body for their worst team. That would be the Isle of Yap, part of the Federated States of Micronesia, and favorite (along with Niger and Lake Titicaca) of puerile geography students the world over. Yap hasn't won a game since 2001 and neither, in this post 9/11 world with so much of its budget diverted to counterterrorism (though the strategic importance of Yap, speeches aside, has yet to be determined), are they likely to anytime soon.

Still though, even they have a whipping boy.

According to The Roon Ba, the world's most comprehensive archive of international matches, including every nation from Niue to the "Free Caledonians In Tahiti" (whether a nation, a location, or an invasion is yet to be determined), the worst team in the world is...

*drumroll*

The neighboring island of Pohnpei, with FIVE TIMES the population of Yap, still manages to be the WORST team in the world. They've managed just one draw in international play, having lost every other game. They've gotten spanked by such luminaries as Guam (who most recently lost 5-2 to Mongolia), the Northern Marianas Islands (who most recently lost 9-0 to Guam), and Chuuk (who have never won a game against anyone OTHER than Pohnpei). Explanations for this bizarre performance range from conventional (there's no real free real estate for a pitch) to weird (Pohnpei is 10 days passage by fast boat from R'lyeh, resting place of dread Cthulhu, who, the mythos tells us, hates football after he lost a fiver on a Great Old Ones/Outer Gods match sometime in 7 billion BC).

Still, there is a ray of hope for Pohnpei - their FA informs us that they've tendered an offer to Steve McClaren.

The Most Football Crazy Nation In The World

So we here in the States often find the football mania that consumes the rest of the world rather perplexing. MLS is on the upswing, but still we Americans haven't quite grasped the passion that football brings out in our brethren worldwide. Even for our domestic sports (outside, perhaps, of Boston, that well known drinking town with a baseball problem) Americans do not approach anywhere near the level of enthusiasm that, say, fans of West Allotment Celtic must muster up to stand in the cold, wet British winter to watch their lads play.

The question does arise though... Who ARE the most football crazy fans in the world?

To my mind, there are four leading candidates: England, Italy, San Marino, and Sark.

England has a strong case. They're the originator of the sport, and have the deepest league system in the world, with 24 levels to the football pyramid, consisting of over 140 distinct leagues. While exact numbers are not easily available, Wikipedia estimates that there are 7000 teams playing league football in England. The FA Cup is the most prestigous national trophy in all of football. The rivalries run deep (I have recently been chastised by my Chelsea friends for showing an ex-Tottenham player's wife where to find replica kit for him). The Premier League is, without a doubt, the world's toughest league, and is also the most popular. The Big 4 are among the world's most recognizable sporting brands. No Briton is without a team, and even those who hate the sport still follow it closely (I have an English coworker who believes Rugby is the only suitable sport to support, and even he follows England's results, if only to laugh gleefully when they lose).

Italy has the most... ummmm... passionate fans of football as a whole. The department of statistics I pulled out of my ass tells us that 37% of all roadflares sold in Italy eventually end up on a soccer pitch (56% on the San Siro).














Italy has somehow opened a time warp to 80s England and pulled all of the worst elements of their fandom through, while leaving all the good bits (like the pies - mmmmmmm pies) behind. They do have the righteous indignation against UEFA interference down, too. The mere words "Lazio supporter" strike fear into all who hear them. They are the current holders of the World Cup, and all the members of that squad play domestically. Should one doubt the miracles that can happen in Italy, he need only read "The Miracle of Castel di Sangro" by Joe McGinniss. The level of crazy that operates the teams is also beyond compare. With the possible exception of Vladimir Romanov, no one can come close to the Italian madness. Juventus is partially owned by a company which is a front for Muammar al-Gaddafi. In fact, Gaddafi's son actually has played for Udinese and Perugia, and is considered to be one of the worst players ever in Serie A. It should be noted that he only played one game for each and served long drug suspensions. Cagliari is owned by a man who apparently hates the club. Plus the whole nation looks like a giant foot kicking a ball. Yes, there is no doubt that football in Italy is damn crazy.

San Marino is an interesting case. With a population of only 30000 it still manages to support a 2 division, 15 team professional football system, 2 separate knockout cups, a national team AND a team in another nation's league system. ...and yes, Virginia, there is a Brazilian playing in the domestic league (Aldair, in fact, for you Roma fans out there). In fact, when you do the math, 1.2% of the entire population plays professional football. The Campionato Sammarinese sends a team to the preliminary rounds of the Champions League, and is entered into the European Championship (though their population does give them a handicap of McClarenian proportions). They are the only nation to have both a domestic league AND field a team in another country's league system (San Marino Calcio in Serie C1).

Sark is the smallest nation in Europe (and, as of this writing, the last feudal nation in the world), with a population of 610 and an area of 2 square miles. For comparison's sake, please note that the percentage of Sark required to house a football pitch, if applied to the United States, would encompass an area over twice the size of Rhode Island. While there is no domestic league, Sark HAS fielded an international squad. While they have been outscored 70-0 in the course of their international career, at 16 players for a match, Sark can claim that a whopping 2.8% of the population has played international football. Just think - had Benitez managed them, the entire population might have seen playing time.

So who takes it? Whose passion reigns supreme?!!?!

I have to give it to San Marino. With 30000 people and 16 teams, 2 knockout cups, and over a freaking percent of the population playing professional football, there is no comparison. While Sark's numbers can't be denied, they haven't played internationally since 2003. San Marino has games year in and out, and the dual league status can't be beat. Plus they are techically a part of the giant boot kicking ball phenomenon that is their peninsula. Most important to me, though, is that Lorenzo Amoruso, former Blackburn Rover, is playing for Cosmos. Any league that rescues the second worst signing in Blackburn history (the first being, of course, Graeme Souness) has a place in my heart.