The Worst Team In The World

There is nothing a sports fan likes more than a good debate. Would George Best have been better than Maradona if drink hadn't laid him low? Was Maradona better than Pele? Is Ferguson or Wenger the better manager?

Generally in these drunken pub discussion the question of the best team in the world comes up. FIFA would have you believe it's AC Milan, having won the World Club Cup. UEFA claim the same as AC Milan are the current Champions League winners. Fans of Juventus can rightly claim that they have the most members of the reigning World Cup holders on the squad. Manchester United would tell you they won the most competitive league in the world in the Prem. The LA Galaxy have David Beckham. ... Well, THEY think that's a claim to fame, anyway.

So this debate will rage eternally on, and many pints will die in its wake.

But there is one great question that we can now, definitively, put to rest:

Who the worst national team in the world is.

FIFA would have you believe it's the tiny island nation of Montserrat. With a population of 5900, and boasting such star players as Tesfaye Bramble (Titus' younger, less talented brother - and yes, apparently it is possible to be a Bramble worse than Titus - whodathunkit?) and Sean Howson, midfielder for Hurstpierpoint FC (currently sitting dead last in the Sussex County Football League Division 3), you could be forgiven for thinking that Montserrat, do, in fact, suck hardest.

Sean Howson with Hurstpierpoint FC

...but oh no, you'd be wrong.

Then you might remember the NF Board, the FIFA for non-FIFA nations (and sometimes even non-FIFA non-nations), and go to that august body for their worst team. That would be the Isle of Yap, part of the Federated States of Micronesia, and favorite (along with Niger and Lake Titicaca) of puerile geography students the world over. Yap hasn't won a game since 2001 and neither, in this post 9/11 world with so much of its budget diverted to counterterrorism (though the strategic importance of Yap, speeches aside, has yet to be determined), are they likely to anytime soon.

Still though, even they have a whipping boy.

According to The Roon Ba, the world's most comprehensive archive of international matches, including every nation from Niue to the "Free Caledonians In Tahiti" (whether a nation, a location, or an invasion is yet to be determined), the worst team in the world is...

*drumroll*

The neighboring island of Pohnpei, with FIVE TIMES the population of Yap, still manages to be the WORST team in the world. They've managed just one draw in international play, having lost every other game. They've gotten spanked by such luminaries as Guam (who most recently lost 5-2 to Mongolia), the Northern Marianas Islands (who most recently lost 9-0 to Guam), and Chuuk (who have never won a game against anyone OTHER than Pohnpei). Explanations for this bizarre performance range from conventional (there's no real free real estate for a pitch) to weird (Pohnpei is 10 days passage by fast boat from R'lyeh, resting place of dread Cthulhu, who, the mythos tells us, hates football after he lost a fiver on a Great Old Ones/Outer Gods match sometime in 7 billion BC).

Still, there is a ray of hope for Pohnpei - their FA informs us that they've tendered an offer to Steve McClaren.